Shyness

A reader writes:"My 7 year old son suffers with extreme shyness, in fact hewill hardly talk to anyone outside of the family. What can Ido to encourage him?"Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, thatdoes not mean that they cannot overcome their fears andanxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, andbuild from success to success.Find activities which he can enjoy and succeed in. The morehe seems himself as being good at things, the moreconfidence he will have - and also the more he will have totalk about. If these activities involve other people all thebetter. Don't force him to go, but don't let him off thehook too easily either. Many kids refuse to go to thingseven when they know they will love it when they get there!Deliberately set up some social situations as learningexperiences for him. Start with easy ones and then build up.For example, going to the movies with a friend is dead easy- they sit in the dark and don't have to talk to each otherat all! Yet they can have fun together. Start with familiar structured activities with few people.As he gains confidence in being and interacting with people,then set up more challenging situations. Always set them ata level at which he will succeed, and quit while it is goingwell! The everyone will want to do it again.Build the social encounters around the activities he enjoys.If it is computer games, then have some friends around (oneat first, then more) to play games with him, and talk aboutthe games they are playing.When you visit adults, you can lead the conversation bytelling of your son's latest exploits on his computer game.Allow him to correct you on details, or to fill in on theintricacies of beating the Bad Boss on level 4. You couldprime the adults with suggestions about what to talk about.If he won't respond, don't make excuses for him and neverforce him to talk. Let him talk, or not talk, as he chooses,and then live with the consequences of his choice. However,you will have more success in getting him to talk if youdraw him into conversations with open ended questions suchas "How did Mario get lost in the Mansion in the firstplace?". Avoid putting him on the spot with closed questionsthat demand a one word answer, or that are about subjects hedislikes or finds difficult.Gradually, your son will develop confidence in talking andbeing with people. He will then be able to take more risksby talking about less familiar subjects. In short - iftalking becomes fun, he will do more of it. It it isdifficult or embarrassing he will do less.Finally, don't call him "shy". The more he hears you saythis, the more convinced he will be that that is just how heis and that he cannot change. In time he might even use thisas an excuse: "I can't do that - I'm too shy!" Instead,emphasise his positive qualities - his gentleness, kindness,politeness etc.It may all take some time, but if you keep it all positiveand affirming, he should get there.